My life story
I have quite an eventful life story. I've written it down here in bullet points because I've been asked again and again.
- 2025-05-18 20:01
I shivered again when I woke up.
I stopped trying to remember and analyse my dreams a long time ago, as I used to do. But today, when I woke up, I simply realised that in these dreams I keep experiencing what is going on in the depths of my psyche.
And the same thing has been happening there since the beginning of my life. I am totally insecure. I'm constantly trying to find some kind of hold in life, but everything always slips through my fingers. I never find any kind of security. My life is on shaky ground.
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- Category: Dreams
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Read more: Today I woke up with another terrible dream
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- 2025-05-18 20:01
I'm realising more and more that I'm getting old. Of course, everyone always says it's rubbish, but I think they just don't want to admit their age.
Yesterday I fell asleep late (or should I say early) and ate some rice during the night. In the morning I woke up with nausea and severe heartburn. I've never had it this extreme before. I'll probably have to be very careful in future about what I eat and when, otherwise the consequences could be quite severe.
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- 2025-05-18 20:01
We play essence and bake biscuits. It's really nice.
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- 2025-05-18 20:01
It's cold, insanely crowded and extremely expensive. But it was still a lot of fun 😊
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- 2025-05-18 20:01
He is currently in Cologne and has a few days holiday from his work in a supermarket in Hamburg. He still lives in Buchholz, but he would like to come back to Cologne because he thinks it's better here.
I have noticed that he has developed a lot. His perspective on our earlier time together is now completely different for him. It seems to me that he now understands how unique and unusual it was with me. He also told me that he hadn't found anyone who could hold a candle to me in all his time in Germany. He even bought me chocolates.
I'm glad he was with me again. I hope it means that we will both become part of each other's lives again.
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- 2025-05-18 20:01
I recently thought about making music for online concerts from home. These could then be streamed on YouTube, Facebook, TikTok and other platforms. I had just started to put together and configure my equipment for this when another huge problem arose:
The central keyboard for everything I do is the Roland Fantom 8 - a €3500 workstation that has everything I need except for one thing. However, this one feature can be added with a software update, and that's exactly what I wanted to do today. I was guided by a video from a Roland employee on YouTube, which explains every step in detail, and I did everything exactly the same way.
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- 2025-05-18 20:01
Jhojan has just left to go to asylum.
Yesterday we went to the police to make an application. There we were then forwarded to the Landesertaufnahmeeinrichtung NRW (LEA) in Bochum, where he was told to report immediately because he has already been in the country illegally for a day. Fortunately, he still has the Germany ticket. Otherwise we would have had to buy a ticket for him first.
As far as we have been told, they will listen to Jhojan's concerns and then allocate him a room/bed in a facility where he will be accommodated. He will probably have to stay there for a while. Only later will he be able to visit me.
I'm very sad because I've grown very fond of him and now I'm alone again. 😪
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- 2025-05-18 20:01
He sent me the photos and allowed me to use them on my website. He used to have contracts that forbade this. That's why he wasn't allowed to publish that he was gay either.
He wants to come to Germany and visit me. Since he comes from London, he would also like to stay for a while. I don't know yet what will happen, because he seems to me to be still very young. (even if I saw on his ID that he is really 19 years old.) But still he seems to like me.
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- 2025-05-18 20:01
I had another very bad dream today. But it actually only got worse when I woke up last time.
I was in some kind of mine and wanted to go up in the lift. I pressed the button and the lift started. But it kept going up beyond the ground floor. I tried to stop it, but the display just disappeared.
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- 2025-05-18 20:01
Today I had another very bad dream. The whole time I had a dull, unpleasant feeling of fear. The strange thing is that I don't have the slightest idea why I had this dream. Normally I can recognise what my subconscious is trying to tell me, but today I don't understand anything. At the end of the dream, I was woken up by the postman. It was a delivery man from Temu who brought me the exact blanket I had sent back.
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Read more: Resettlement to another planet
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- 2025-05-18 20:01
The body consists of trillions of cells. They are all tiny living beings in their own right and need to be constantly nourished. In particular, they need oxygen, which is transported to the cells by the blood. Once the necessary nutrients have reached a cell, they are pushed in through the outer wall. This requires the blood to be constantly pressurised. This is called blood pressure. It must be neither too high nor too low.
When a cell needs nutrients, it informs the body via the nervous system. The electrical signal is transmitted to the brain, where it is collected and analysed. When the right moment arrives, a signal is sent to the heart, which ensures that it beats. The blood is then sent with new nutrients to the cells where they are needed. How often and how strongly the heart beats naturally depends on how many nutrients are needed. Greater efforts consume more. In order to regulate this precisely, a central point in the body is needed, namely the brain, which sends the heart the necessary signals that end up in the so-called AV node. Without this signal, the heart would not know that it should pump and would therefore simply do nothing. The cells would then no longer receive any supply and would die.
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- 2025-05-18 20:01
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- 2025-05-18 20:01
I love you more than you will ever know,
We are crazy, you and I, without missing a thing.
That's why I know it's real togetherness,
Because the crazy ones live in honesty.
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- 2025-05-18 20:01
Whilst looking for people Jhojan could speak Spanish with, we came across the Spanish regulars' table at Café Goldmund here in Ehrenfeld via nebenan.de. We met Max and his family there for the first time and spoke as much Spanish as possible. It really wasn't easy for me. It was very loud in the café and difficult to hear individual conversations. Understanding Spanish was a real challenge.
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- 2025-05-18 20:01
The weather is finally nice enough for us to go on picnics again.
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- 2025-05-18 20:01
At last! I have just found out that the stool sample was negative for Helicobacter pylori. This means that the bacterium has finally disappeared completely from my stomach and my gastritis can now finally heal. It will certainly take some time, but this is still good news. The whole thing has now taken 1 Year, 9 Months, 28 Days.
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- 2025-05-18 20:01
I travelled with Jhojan to Silke so that we could take care of his health. It was a bit exhausting, but nice.
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- 2025-05-18 20:01
It looks changed and mature. I just love it.
He's just getting his driving licence and we dream of travelling the world together in a luxury caravan.
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- 2025-05-18 20:01
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- 2025-05-18 20:01
He last wrote me the following in a message:
"I don't want you to love me, your love is bollocks".
That was on 06/04/2024 (1 Year, 1 Month, 11 Days ago). So it really seems to have been the last time I heard from him.
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- Category: Kevin Fernando Manzano
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- 2025-05-18 20:01
I last heard from him on 12/03/2024. (before 1 Year, 2 Months, 6 Days). He is also no longer available via WhatsApp. Was this all nothing more than a scam?
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- Category: Quesi Emanuel Assante
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- 2024-04-23 09:26
Today I had another unpleasant dream. But the dream itself wasn't that important. However, the realisation of what it means for me is very important. I found myself in a situation in which I had reached the limits of my capacity.
I kept dreaming of such situations in which I was making an extreme effort. This exertion was transferred from the dream to my body and sometimes led to me waking up shaking with exertion and exhaustion and then being completely exhausted for the whole day. This has been going on for years. I only now understand what is happening.
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- Registered: 2024-04-23 11:29
- 2024-04-21 13:39
Celina sends me photos from keukenhof, Holland.
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- 2024-04-20 08:30
When I woke up today, I already felt quite queasy in my stomach. I really didn't eat much yesterday, but the feeling tells me that my stomach is still very sensitive. I also had a sour taste in my mouth and my circulation is still pretty weak.
It's not quite as bad as before, but I'm definitely still not completely healthy.
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- 2024-04-16 15:57
I've ordered a new webcam. I plugged it in today and I'm already regretting it. The cam is good, but I can now see very clearly how I've changed over the last few months.
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- 2024-04-17 19:53
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- 2024-04-15 08:03
Today I think my deepest trauma is that I will never be enough. No matter what I wished for, it was always in vain because I obviously wasn't the right person, or because I couldn't be what I should have been. Now I realise that I will never be someone who fits what they want either.
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- 2024-04-08 20:08
Today John got in touch with me by writing to me in the subject line of PayPal. After everything that's happened, I have to say he's got some nerve contacting me at all. I assume he wanted to see how he could get me to give him money. I think I would talk to him if he turned up on my doorstep. But any other kind of contact is out of the question for me.
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- Category: Jhon Fredy Sanchez Jaramillo
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- 2024-04-03 08:00
I wrote to him again a little hesitantly. He had told me on 26 October 2023 (1 Year, 6 Months, 22 Days ago) that he was with another man from the USA and didn't want any more contact. but then he got in touch again on 22 March 2024. (4 Months, 25 Days). Obviously all his marriage plans didn't work out.
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- Category: Reymond Hughes
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- Registered: 2024-04-22 17:22
- 2024-04-02 16:25
Wow, I've now spent 4 hours travelling through Cologne to deposit cash. Lindenthal, Braunsfeld, Ehrenfeld. In the end I was able to deposit money at a post office machine because I couldn't find a DB branch that would accept cash. The machine was broken and they didn't have any cash. I was so exhausted. Walked 21 tram stops.
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- Registered: 2024-04-22 17:15