Orlando writes that he wants to visit me

• 2023-04-02 21:29

I find this message strange, because he wants to come to me very late.

The conversation goes badly and I realise that we are far from being together in any way.

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Category: Orlando Rafael Vides Anillo

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Rainwater washes away the floor in Jhojan's house

• 2023-12-06 02:03

He is now planning to build a house on his parents' land, or rather to fit out the wooden house on his parents' land.

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Category: Jhojan Salcedo

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Musa needs money again

• 2023-04-03 16:00

Musa writes that he has to pay the next instalment of the flat rent in the middle of the month. Another 200 euros? He also added that otherwise he will spend his birthday in jail.

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Category: Musa Yawa Daniel

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I get to know Jhojan

• 2023-07-21 08:00

I write with him in great detail. He is very kind and open and tells me generously about his life.

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Category: Jhojan Salcedo

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Letter from my mother

• 2018-06-01 00:00

After I got in touch with my biological mother, she writes me a letter.

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Category: My life story

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At the doctor because of abdominal cramps

• 2023-07-21 08:00

Because of extreme abdominal cramps I go to the doctor. I get painkillers and feel better. Unfortunately the problem is not solved, though. My belly is extremely sensitive.

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Category: My life story

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Jhon writes that he cannot travel because of an upcoming volcanic eruption

• 2023-04-16 23:06

I checked it and Google says this eruption could actually happen.

😝 Later I think that it was just an excuse.

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Category: Jhon Fredy Sanchez Jaramillo

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My time of birth

• 2023-04-12 23:45

I have just received mail from the registry office in Würselen. Now I know that I was born at 18:35. That makes my ascendant Taurus.

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Category: My life story

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I write letters and postcards

• 2024-01-20 08:58

Since no one else writes me love letters, I just do it myself ;)

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Category: My life story

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I take photos of myself

• 2024-01-24 09:02

With an update to the photo app on my phone, I take new photos of myself.

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Category: My life story

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Kitty sends me a birthday cake

• 2022-10-17 19:30

Kitty had a birthday cake made for me. So sweet of her!

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Category: Alejandro Otero Cordova

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It has snowed heavily

• 2024-01-21 09:00

I think this is the first time I have seen this much snow in Cologne.

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Category: My life story

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My first flat in Detmold

• 1989-08-28 00:00

I move into my very first own flat in Detmold, Benekestraße 6.

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Category: My life story

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Photos of Tobi

• 1996-10-30 21:00

With my first video camera I take photos of my friend Tobias. We are in my flat in Detmold, Benekestraße 6.

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Category: My life story

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On holiday in Holland with my (first foster) family

• 1975-08-01 00:00

In the photo from left to right:
Front: father Karl, Stefanie, mother Marianne,
Back: Bernd, Michael

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Category: My life story

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Foster family Schweda

• 1975-06-19 10:00

My first foster family takes me in.

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Category: My life story

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Alexander von Lengerke is at my door

• Ended at: 1970-01-01 00:00

• 2023-02-03 14:19

As I collect the mail downstairs at the front door, Alex is suddenly standing in the doorway. We arrange to write to each other.

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Category: My life story

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Orlando comes to Germany

• 2022-05-07 00:15

After the second attempt Orlando actually comes to me. At night he is standing at the door with Lemmy.

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Category: Orlando Rafael Vides Anillo

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Psychiatry Wuppertal

• Ended at: 1970-01-01 00:00

• 1985-06-22 00:00

For half a year I am admitted as an inpatient to the child and adolescent psychiatry in Wuppertal-Barmen.

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Category: My life story

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New Art

• 2024-02-14 23:13

I am starting to paint again. Let us see what comes of it.

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Category: My life story

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I hope it is true

• 2024-01-20 06:10

I find this message on Facebook. I really hope it is true.

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Category: My life story

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Foster family Neumann

• Ended at: 1970-01-01 00:00

• 1979-11-30 00:00

I come to my second foster family in Rott.

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Category: My life story

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I start at Ascaron

• 2000-02-01 00:00

I begin my career as a composer at Ascaron.

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Category: My life story

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A photo of me with the Easter Bunny

• 1978-04-09 15:00

Wow, I hated having this photo taken.

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Category: My life story

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I don't know how to go on

• 2026-07-14 01:17

I am exhausted and disappointed.

A wonderful man now lives with me and at my place, but I still cannot really enjoy it. I am depressed and sad, drained and exhausted, and I worry that I am not good enough.

I am aware that all of this is the effect of decades of futility. I no longer trust life and I no longer want anything from life either. I no longer hold out little hopes for fame, success, financial prosperity, love or a good time with friends. I no longer want to achieve any of it. I do not want to go on at all anymore. I am also sick of pretending that I do not feel all of this. I no longer believe in life, and I do not believe that it will ever get better (keyword: next week). I feel as if I am wrong in this life.

Now that Jhojan is with me, I can no longer enjoy it, because neither my state of health nor my financial situation allows it. Of course I will help him and be there for him, because he treats me very well and is a dear sweetheart. But apart from basic needs that require money, I cannot offer him anything he needs for his life, and so no shared future is possible.

Besides, we have no real common ground at all. His interests lie somewhere completely different from mine. He needs a different future than I do.

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Category: Thoughts

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Disillusionment

• 2024-03-28 06:31

Today I have reached a day on which I seem to have lost all longing and intention. My body is still not well health-wise, and I still have various problems.

I think I have simply come to terms with everything now. I no longer have any wishes and feel no needs either. The thought that it would always go on like this used to frighten me, or I felt despair, but now I feel nothing at all. I am neither happy nor sad. There is simply no emotional stirring left in me.

Basically, I am glad about that.

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Category: Thoughts

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Moog Muse

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Category: Keyboards

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Behringer - Solina Sting Ensamble

Mehr Solina Sting Ensamble Infos

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Category: Keyboards

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Hopelessness

• 2026-07-14 01:17

It's getting summer again. Even though it's been raining for the last few days, you can clearly feel the rising temperatures.
My life, however, takes place in front of the computer. I work all day without a break, programming websites, writing my book and preparing new seminars. I sit down at the computer as soon as I get up - and stay there until I go back to sleep.

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Category: My life story

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Today I woke up with another terrible dream

• 2026-07-14 01:17

I shivered again when I woke up.

I stopped trying to remember and analyse my dreams a long time ago, as I used to do. But today, when I woke up, I simply realised that in these dreams I keep experiencing what is going on in the depths of my psyche.

And the same thing has been happening there since the beginning of my life. I am totally insecure. I'm constantly trying to find some kind of hold in life, but everything always slips through my fingers. I never find any kind of security. My life is on shaky ground.

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Category: Dreams

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• Uncertainty

Read more: Today I woke up with another terrible dream